September. This past week especially, the change has been palpable. Cold, crisp mornings. Breeze slightly more cutting, bit of an ominous edge to it, alluding to the season that has yet to descend upon us. Warm afternoons that lull you into complacency, cut short by a sudden evening darkness, noticeably earlier day by day, one week to the next. And so it goes. Shifting seasons, a brand new page. September. This year it's not just the transition to fall and the end of summer t

"Hope is very often a refusal to know what is so, and steadfastly it is a refusal to live as if the present moment is good enough and all we really have." ~ Stephen Jenkinson It's been a rough week. Sadness, lack of motivation, and the desire to retreat from the world have all been bubbling up to the surface. These down swings put me back in touch with the struggles of deep depression, and they inspire me to write to those who still find themselves stuck in the depths. So you

“Who. Are. You?” demanded the Caterpillar. “Well, I… I hardly know sir. I’ve changed so many times since this morning, you see.” “I do not see. Explain yourself.” “Well, I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir. Because I’m not myself, you know.” “I do knot know.” “Well, I can’t put it any more clearly, for it isn’t clear to me.” “You. Who are you?” ~ Walt Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland”, 1951 While I was manic, I was obsessed with the question “who are you?” (Fun fact: mania br

I’ve just made a cup of coffee. It smells delicious - rich and comforting, spiced with a pinch of cinnamon, made creamy with almond milk. The cup is hot in my hands, steam warming my face, my perpetually cold nose tip. I am enjoying each and every sip - the scent, the taste, the experience. I feel happy. Buzzed. Mildly giddy, actually. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, I’m on the verge of tears. Correction - It would seem “the verge” was an optimistic assessment, for

The effects of my experiences in the world of psychiatry were not initially apparent. After discharge from inpatient care, I was still mildly hypomanic - that is to say, I felt pretty good. I was embarrassed by what had happened, and worried about what people had heard about me, about who knew what. I was aware that some of my neighbors had probably witnessed me screaming and fighting police officers on my doorstep. There was shame, to be sure - no doubt about it, I had gone

I don’t know if severe clinical depression was an experience I ‘needed’ to have. Maybe it occurred in part because a crash, a low phase, was necessary to balance out the high of mania. Maybe I was processing the trauma of the whole experience. It’s likely there was a chemical component - perhaps I had used up a 6 month supply of all those happy brain chemicals in a matter of days or weeks and needed to rest and rebuild them. Or if psychiatry has it right, then I’m at the merc

** I wrote this nearly a month ago, and didn't feel right about publishing it until now. Something has since shifted and I'm feeling much more myself. Yay spring! Yay acupuncture and herbs! Big thanks to the amazing supportive humans in my life who help me through. xx mm Life is a journey. Life is a highway. Life is a river with a strong and insistent current. Mostly, I've been lucky - able to float with that current, to be carried forward in a way that's felt safe and secur

We tend to see some slow days at Heart & Hands Health Collective as we enter the summer months. The weather is improving, and all those seasonal depression sufferers are out soaking up the sunshine and feeling happy. The allergy sufferers of spring usually get some reprieve by this point as well, as the pollen overload calms down. Students are much less stressed and insomnia-prone after finals are over and holidays begin. People are away traveling, and not seeing clients beca

Sometimes you just have a sad day. And sometimes it lingers. Sometimes for a week, sometimes for endless awful months. Sometimes you push away the people that you like the most, just because you can't bear to bring them down. Sometimes you feel like an alien, like you belong to another species, one that hides away and watches endless hours of Netflix in an attempt to distract yourself from the isolation, the monotony of depression, the feelings that you are unable to look at