The world split open once again - to welcome Rune. Her birth was a marvel, in all the ways - a miracle, even. Because it is, no matter how many times you've dove into the abyss that is labour*. It's too much sensation and pain - unbearable, yet we somehow do. Just as we always have. That overwhelming, impossible place of no-way-out-but-through, to ease a slippery being - a study of perfection in miniature - into this world. This one with her head still en caul, facing into the mysteries of the world.
One week later the tears were flowing that I might not love her enough. That being a parent of two necessarily splits my time and attention. With the first it was euphoric - hours spent gazing with rapt attention at only her, falling instantly head-over-heels in love. And with this one it was so much quieter - stolen glances while feeding, even as the preschooler melts down catastrophically in the next room. I carried my first in a carrier constantly, often skin-to-skin, while this baby rests in a swing so I can have my hands and body available for my older child - the one I've had 4 years to learn to love desperately. And the little stranger in my arms - I so want her, I do love her, I just hardly know her and it feels I've had much less time to.
I am so grateful to have had a much healthier, happier, more sane postpartum experience with this babe**. I credit mountains of support, preparation, and pharmaceutical intervention - when it works, it works. I somehow managed to be hospitalized at around the same time (5 weeks, in pediatrics with an RSV-infected baby) which ended up being a strangely healing experience, if a couple of worrying days.
And despite my week one misgivings, I have come to be head-over-heels in love with this tiny human as well.
The sun shines and so does she. Hope your world is holding some bright lights, too.
Photo cred: https://www.sheridaraephotography.ca/
* birth is always a miracle - even if it doesn't involve labour.
** I shared about my first postpartum experience at length here: https://www.madisonkolla.com/post/initiation-a-postpartum-unravelling